My mind was endless stirring today. I made sure everything on my list was complete. However, I was in deep thought and over thought in over drive.
I dropped off my son and went to run errands, this time I did not put any music on as I wanted to just think and work it out mentally. I iron it out. However, I realizes my grocery list and had forgotten my phone in the store but decided not to go back to the car and get it.
I was thinking about many of the life changes and challenges that have come into my world and I was trying to ascertain the relevance with my though process today but I could not make the amends with my mind.
I got the bananas, the deodorant, a wanted some cleaning supplies and had them all. I heard my mothers voice in a thought of memory and maybe it was the conversation I had with my sister yesterday that brought this happy laugh to my mind.
My mother passed away two decades ago and when she was alive she always brought laughter to my tears. Anytime I was sad, she would instantly bring me joy. Although she would say being happy wasnt something she enjoyed.
I remembered we were watching a comedy special with that was so funny and I went and started coloring a picture of Groucho Marx, I showed my mom. She loved it. I asked her if we could send it to him and maybe he would send us an autograph. It was at that moment my mother explained that he was no longer alive and in fact had passed away. I started crying into my mothers arms, and asked her to promise me that she would never die. My mother promised; although I know it was a promise she could not keep.
My mother was always very serious about promises and words of honor. She said a promise was more valuable than money. She always expected us to keep our promises, which we were raised to do and which I still do to this day.
My mother would sometimes call me at work to “break up the monotony” as she would put it. Around that time my mother was admitted into the hospital and she would call me with a daily joke. Well one day, she called me and said “Fanny, the angels are here, they have come to take me. I am going to go with them now, I love you” and I cut her off and said, “mom why are you being so silly, I will come after work to see you but I am with customers now” she continued and insisted, “The angels are here please tell your father I love him, and your sister, I love her. Please know I love you all so much.” and with that we hung up. After work my sister and I went to see our mom and I had told my sister how silly she was. When we arrived at the hospital, it was to late as she had passed away.
The doctors told us she died during heart surgery and her kidneys failed, unbeknownst to us that she had surgery planned that day. That was one of the hardest life changing moments I can ever not want to think about. It was in my thoughts today.
As I was walking back to my car I couldn’t stop overthinking. I put the groceries away and I got in and grabbed my phone. I saw I had a text from a dear friend and he wrote lovely things that I needed to read. I started to feel love and joy in my soul. I remembered a joke and laughed at the thought of Groucho Marx in my car and it made sense.
We have one gift, goal and purpose of life, which is not to mourn but to rejoice in love. Having love is so healing especially for our quiet places.
It cant always be perfect but we can give love and get through life together I did today and in my journey of this Fannytasticlife.